November 17th, 2013 – Live Press Conference from Tashkent, Uzbekistan

Lola Karimova addresses the Uzbek press

My fellow Uzbeks!

Allow me to introduce myself, your new president.  I have the humble right to be Lola Islomovna Karimova-Tillyaeva.  It is my solemn duty to welcome you to a new era for our glorious country, one in which we reach the goals set out by my dear father.  Our country has always been the shining star of Central Asia, with the most promising history and greatest potential for success and human happiness.  The sudden death of my father from high blood pressure allows us to reflect on his call, some five years ago, for more women in politics.  Voila!

The great Russian empire of my youth is no more.  During the years of oppression leading up to our inevitable and righteous moment of independence, my father struggled against the corrupt forces in Moscow.  Following his heart and our own Uzbek traditions, with the help of glorious Allah, he was able to gain independence for our lands.  I shall not squander what my father has worked so hard to give to me.

And I am certainly one of the most fortunate of successors.  I have the honor to be both hand-picked by my father and unanimously supported in free elections across the country, where more than ninety-eight percent of our citizens expressed their willingness to follow me into our future.  I have a freely elected parliament of able-bodied and intelligent law-makers and deal-brokers ready to protect our Constitution, our traditions, and our borders.  I am also fortunate that those few misguided persons fooled into opposition to our future are all notorious drug addicts, whose habits will surely catch up with them sooner rather than later.

My biggest helper in our nation’s government will of course be my big sister, the Harvard Graduate, no matter what those enemies of truth at Wikipedia say about her PhD actually being domestically granted after returning to Tashkent in disgrace.  To paraphrase our dearly departed friend and ally Medvedev, “I am the President, and she is the Prime Minister.”

We have already decided to fund the writing of 5000 additional articles for the website on our own .uz servers, in the glorious language of Amir Temur and Alisher Navoi, Uzbek.  Make no mistake, fellow citizens of our glorious motherland, we are the presidents of Future Uzbekistan.  With the help of our closest allies, South Korea and India, our place in the world economy is assured.

Allow me to address, in one breath, the assertions and accusations of our esteemed neighbor Otunbayeva.  The Legitimacy of my presidency is the Legitimacy of the Will of the Uzbek Nation!  Let Kyrgyzstan and our neighbors doubt that will at their own peril, for history, as always, is the best teacher.  While others have fallen prey to the infectious aid packages of the West and the over-bearing alliances of the North, Uzbekistan remains, as ever, independent.  And to those that question my fluency of our glorious mother tongue, those that would insult the blood of our ancestors, those that would question the sun’s right to cross the sky, I have only one thing to say.

Ты что, совсем что-ли? Я – президент!